Finals

I hate finals. Especially 2nd semester finals. There are so many other things to do, like say your goodbyes and pack up your entire life. This semester especially, I am not so ready for it to come to an end. Obviously, I want to get back to Texas very quickly, and I am so tired of school work, but this year its not just leaving and coming back. Instead this year, it is saying goodbye too all of the seniors that I don't want to leave. I've gotten really close to quite a few senior girls these past years, and its going to be really hard to watch them go. I know there are a few that I will stay in touch with forever, and then there are some that I will probably never see again, even though we have spent so much time together here at school. I have a hard time with changes and goodbyes, and this is one goodbye I am not ready for. Also, the fact that when we come back, I will be a senior scares the shit out of me. I never want to be a senior, I just want to be a freshman again. I want to start college all over...not even to do things different, just to have some extra time before being an adult. The future scares me, and watching close friends leave just reminds me that the future is coming faster than I think. So basically, I hate finals.

Hmmm..

I was reading other peoples blogs to get ideas on what else I could blog about and what I found was dreams. When I told Natalie about it, she told me it meant change is coming or something like that (I could have been wrong). Anyways, this dream seemed so real, it was awful. I woke up, shaking, and in the fetal position about to start crying.

I had a dream I was at a house and randomly large men with tattoos all over started raping and beating me. Obviously this is devastating enough, but it only got worse. The next morning when my friend was driving somewhere - we saw these men and their friends. They all laughed at me and started taking pictures and when I asked my friend why they were doing that, she told me cause my neck had been branded the night before (random, I know). We looked in the mirror and there were terrible marks all over my neck. When we left wherever we had been, I ended up in the parking lot next to the car in the fetal position with all these guys around me, laughing, kicking, and taking pictures. Other than my friend driving, there was only one person I recognized in my dream, and he was always in the back, just watching.

And then I woke up. That dream has stuck with me for about a week now...maybe its cause I watched Prom Night..I'm open to other suggestions though..

Blogging

I'm not going to lie, I am not a fan of blogging. I think it is awkward, and I have a hard time trying to think of what to write. I think it is awkward because now if someone happens to google my name, the first thing that comes up is this 'Colleen loves Natalie' blog. That statement makes me sound extra cocky, as if there are actually people out there in the world that have enough interest in me to randomly decide to google my name. I'm sure my mom does it - she's all into googling names of people we know. Now, I'll probably go home in a week and she'll say "well...I saw what you said about me on your blog". I just think it is strange that this is out there for anyone to open up and read my thoughts. But then, I really want to know who would care enough to read what I have to say. Five blogs down, two to go. Finals haven't even started yet, but I hate them already.

The Body

I work in the cstore and on some days, I just read the various gossip magazines. I think its crazy how much emphasis they put on body shape and how people look. There are times when they talk about some female gaining weight and how terrible she looks and has let herself go. Then, in a few weeks they are talking about somebody and how skinny they are and are not taking care of themselves. This drives me up a wall because this sends a terrible message to all women especially young girls. Some people think that children don't care what they look like or about their weight, but they all do and its starting to become an issue at younger and younger ages. Seeing these women who look like they have great, healthy bodies, and then read the magazine criticize them saying they have gained too much weight and they aren't looking good, yet in reality they look just fine. But once a woman tries to fit the mold for the what the media thinks is perfect, she is again criticized because she is too skinny and it is automatically assumed that she must have an eating disorder.

The media makes such a big issue on body image and I think its terrible. We all have enough other things to worry about, instead of throwing pictures of super skinny women, and being told that is what we should look like. I think it shouldn't matter what you look like, as long as you are happy and healthy. Some people actually need to eat to get through the day, and can't go weeks on end without eating to keep that super skinny body. My wish would be that the emphasis on the body wouldn't be as strong as it is now. However, I think that it will only continue to be a big problem, and young women will constantly be encourage to do whatever it takes to be the super-model skinny. And that to me, is just sad.

Open Relationships

I think open-relationships are the perfect idea - in theory. It makes things so much less complicated, you have all the perks of being in a relationship, but you're still able to keep your options open. However, I think eventually someone is going to get attached or jealous, and the part of keeping your options open is what will become the issue. When we were talking about Wounds of Passion in class, and hooks was talking about her relationship and the openness of it, I was almost amazed. I do not think I would ever be strong enough to hang onto something like she had and especially not for an extended amount of time. I think for me, personally, I would eventually become attached and not want to keep my options open, but have the full perks of being in a relationship. But thats just me.

Little Women

I have never seen Little Women before we watched it in class. I don't know how I got through life without ever watching it, it was such a good movie! I am so glad that was one of our choices of what we did for the last few classes. I tried to read the book when I was younger, but was never able to finish it. In whatever I read, I never picked up on all the feminism that is part of the story line. If I ever have a daughter, this is definitely a movie I would want her to watch.

Clearly, I've done a great job of keeping up with this all semester...I'm just putting it out there now, my posts are probably going to be completely random. So I'll start with An Unconventional Family.

When I read this book, it was all so new to me since her childhood holds memories that are completely opposite from any memories I have. The only fight I remember my parents ever having was when my mom fell in the church parking lot - she skinned her knee and hands, and scratched up her watch. My dad was mad about the watch and said she wasn't being careful. I cannot imagine living in a house where my parents were constantly fighting. I cannot imagine having to deal with the pain of watching my father cry because of something my mom had said to him.

I can't remember what page it is on, and can't seem to find it in the book, but its when Bem is talking about childhood and her parents fighting. She says that her mom tells her "Saying that you're sorry doesn't change anything. The damage has already been done". I'm not sure why, but this has stuck with me since I first read that. As nerdy as this sounds, I wrote it on a sticky note and have it hanging up on my desk. I read it almost everyday, and its not even something positive or inspirational. However, it makes me think. I have wondered so many times since we've read this book, why it is that people apologize because it truly doesn't do anything. It may make either person feel better, knowing that one who has done them wrong feels bad for it. But does that mean that the pain isn't still there? Everything that has happened doesn't just go away all of a sudden because one person has apologized. This bothers me, and I remember being little and adults MAKING me apologize, as if that made the situation better. First of all, if someone is making you apologize, doesn't that make it even less real? And second, why was it so important to show those adults that I felt bad for what I have done. I say I am sorry all the time though. I said sorry at least 6 times this morning, probably more, but why was it necessary? The fact that I said sorry doesn't change what happened. Every time I say sorry to someone now I think of this, and then I wonder, does it even really make that much of a difference? I think of times that people have said they're sorry to me for something and I wonder if it really made that much of a difference - sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes I still remember the incident and it still upsets me just as much. My brother pushed me down the stairs 8 years ago, I broke my ankle in 3 places, crushed a growth plate, have had 5 surgeries on it, and live with chronic pain now - all because of that push. I don't think Kevin ever apologized to me for pushing me down those stairs. He let me sleep in his bed and brought flowers when I was in the hospital, but I don't think he ever said sorry. Why would he though? Would it really change anything? If Kevin were to call me tomorrow and tell me how sorry he was for pushing me, would that make the pain go away? Probably not, and it probably wouldn't change anything. I don't hold any of what has happened against him and I think him apologizing for that would just be silly - the damage has already been done.